You may want to shout at your ex, but you could also seek professional help to get divorced in a friendly way. For instance, it may be facilitated by a therapist who can help you examine your inappropriate behaviors towards your ex-partner. A further trend that is gaining momentum in the United States and the United Kingdom is the utilization of a divorce doula.
Despite the widespread prevalence of divorce in contemporary times, it can be challenging to discern the optimal approach to successfully navigate the process.
It is often a difficult period, with many difficult emotions, but also practical and legal.
For example, in the United States and the United Kingdom, a new type of divorce expert has emerged. These are divorce doulas (ed., Divorce doulas) who provide divorce support.
Typically, a doula is associated with births, wherein the doula oversees the well-being of the woman giving birth and is not a part of the healthcare system.
The doula concept is less well known elsewhere in life. In recent years, there have also been deaths in the United States that can support the dying, and abortion doulas can help women who want to have an abortion through an emotionally stressful process.
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Many divorce doulas are former attorneys who combine their legal knowledge with their empathy.
They create a bridge between what different professions can usually help with in a divorce, such as a lawyer, a therapist, and a conflict mediator.
Another divorce doula has a background in psychology or coaching.
If you search for "divorce doula", it does not immediately appear that there is anyone in Denmark. What is the rationale behind that? Couples' psychologist Stine Zink has an offer for this:
– I presume that the reason for this is that the systems are likely to be more intricate in foreign countries, such as the United States, where individuals frequently expend substantial sums on divorce lawyers in connection with legal matters. In Denmark, it is presumed that one must independently discover the outcome of their divorce, including the legal one.
– For example, we do not need to be separated before a divorce, as is the case in some other countries, but we can be divorced immediately and online.
From innocence to trauma, from idyll to trauma.
Most people who get married have an idealized idea of their partner. Everything appears perfect, as you have discovered the love of your life, shared a great deal of common ground, and feel as though you are in a relationship with someone who comprehends you completely.
When we enter into marriage, we typically possess a strong conviction that we should remain united until death do us part. We anticipate that the marriage will remain intact without any effort from our part.
Given our fervent belief that a marriage should endure for the rest of our lives, we perceive it as a significant personal failure when the marriage fails to function.
We will not be recognized for our guilt and shame in our marriage, and instead, we will focus on finding fault with the other.
According to Stine Zink, we are also not aware that the other person's behavior triggers old raw material in us, which causes us to project negative emotions onto the partner. This has nothing to do with the partner, but which is about our past.
There are seven methods to achieve a respectful divorce.
- It is imperative to reflect on the impact of past failures and traumas in your life on your relationship.
- What is your partner's opinion? Are there any items in your luggage that have not been processed?
- Allow your ex-husband to be who he or she is. Respect others.
- You should look elsewhere for comfort. Please refrain from using your partner.
- Allow yourself sufficient time to heal from your wounds.
- Avoid the ambition of becoming best friends afterwards.
- Use your network to discuss how you are feeling.
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– Stine Zink says that anything we have experienced of deep pain, failure, and trauma is activated in the relationship if we have not had it processed.
For most of us, the things that we subconsciously run off on our partner go back to the first emotional relationship in life, the relationship with our parents.
But we are not aware of that fact. Unconsciously, we try to resolve the things we have with our parents from the relationship with our parents, and therefore many of us end up finding a partner who is reminiscent of our mother or father.
But when we are unaware of what is happening inside us and what it is about, we may not discover that our spouse's behavior is a sign that there is something we can work out and heal in the relationship.
Instead, we accuse and blame one another. A divorce can also be difficult to get through, but it can also be a great way to start a new relationship.
Conscious uncoupling is essential.
We can prevent a divorce from developing into a drama by looking at the relationship with our partner as an opportunity to work on ourselves, our past failures, and our traumas.
This is the idea behind conscious uncoupling, which many first heard about when actress Gwyneth Paltrow and musician Chris Martin announced their divorce.
However, the term has been used before. In 1976, Sociologist Diane Vaughan developed an "uncoupling theory," and in 2009, Couple and Family Therapist Katherine Woodward Thomas, who helped Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin to a good divorce, began teaching students around the world the theory.
Conscious uncoupling means that a couple separates in a friendly manner and retains mutual respect both in the divorce process itself and afterwards. Along the way, the couple takes care of their possible children's needs.
A key part of conscious uncoupling is self-reflection. The process of conscious uncoupling necessitates that one comprehends that any annoyance or disagreement in the relationship is a signal to reflect on oneself and identify unprocessed inner issues that require healing.
The factors that led to difficulties in the relationship were, to put it bluntly, a relic of the past. With that approach, one realizes that there are no villains in the sunken relationship, but only two people who acted as teacher and student respectively.
By reflecting on how your own past has affected the relationship with the partner you are divorcing, you can get a friendly divorce, which can be the starting point for something new to sprout.
Self-reflection is also the only way to avoid repeating the same inappropriate patterns in relation to new partners in the future.
It is about finding a home for yourself so that you can enter into a long-lasting relationship.
When do we need help with divorce?
As a couple and psychotherapist, Stine Zink often experiences that couples may need help to become properly mentally separated.
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– Some couples have been together for decades and are used to thinking in a common “you and me”. They have lost mutual respect and there are no limits to what they think they can afford to say to each other. If we ask a colleague if he can take a shift and the colleague answers no, then we will not ask why, what do you really need, it is important what you need and so on.
– We will instead respect our colleague and perhaps just say that it was a pity. But we behave differently cross-border towards our partner and later ex. And that gives problems. So that’s one of the reasons why it’s important to get help to be separated from your parties in a good way in order to get through a divorce well, says Stine Zink, who encourages people to start looking at each other as colleagues already during the divorce. This applies, for example, when you have children together.
– You become parent colleagues, and you do not trample on each other, but show each other respect, not least to make a future collaboration about the children work.
When you feel hurt by your partner’s behavior, therapy may also be needed to place the emotions where they belong – in oneself and not in the ex.
– Get help to get things apart. Many times, we seek answers from our ex, but it is not enough once you have decided to separate. You may keep asking the ex why he or she does not want to be together anymore, but it can be difficult to answer because there are often many things that come into play, so you cannot get a clear answer, says Stine Zink, who points out that it can also be a good idea to get help from a couples therapist if you cannot talk to each other without arguing.
– We do not always hear what is being said, but what we think is being said. This is mainly due to our past and the things we have not worked on ourselves. Therefore, it can be helpful that there is someone who can translate and help the parties to perceive the soft as it was meant, says Stine Zink.
Look at your ex with fresh eyes.
You often also stiffen yourself by focusing on everything that does not work. When you constantly feel hurt and think that everything the other person is doing is wrong, you may overlook what the other person is doing well.
– You may need help to see what the other is doing well, for example as a parent. You often think: “You are a bad partner, then you are also a bad parent”, but that is not necessarily the case, says Stine Zink.
Many have intentions of being best friends after divorce, but according to the couple and psychotherapist, it is a very big requirement to make to themselves.
